our phantoms, forever
as lead rains pass on through,
our phantoms, forever
6th of October
woke up early. smoked a few cigarettes. worked at a cafe. took a ten minute nap. violent dream. fucked around in my room. played some world of warcraft. writing music.
8th of October
had a terrible astral projection experience last night. i fell asleep holding Lain. woke up really scared for the first time ever. i wrote down everything that happened but..
fell asleep on and off for most of the day. there's a showing of phantasm (1979) at a small theater near me tonight.. or might go to the cemetery when it gets dark. it's cold and windy outside. thinking of the natural disaster. and of what happened last night.
I have dreamt about what it's like to die.
And I saw myself becoming shadows again.
Just like I did when I was a kid.
I saw my bones crack open and all the things I've been hiding from you spill out.
All the secrets that I never thought I'd tell anyone about.
I am warm and I am bored and I am drifting through this place.
It's no better or worse than anything else that's ever happened to me.
But I wish that I'd never met a lot of the people that I've met.
Not because I don't like them but because I only let them down.
And when you disappoint everyone all the time, it's hard not to want to die.
Constantly, I feel this weird and shameful feeling.
Like I'm being watched by a thousand glowing, vengeful eyes.
Behind one-way mirrors in public bathrooms and in metro cars.
And everywhere I go, I know I'm not welcome.
i got sucked into this dream thread of people saying they all had really odd, peculiar dream experiences last night. a conspiracy that it's tied to the hurricane in some way. chaos theory. unrelated to this, but in dreams, i have this ability to push light out of myself, from my pores, to make the negative stuff go away and protect myself. but what i'm curious about is, when i'm unable to do this, in my head i call out to my childhood cat, or to god to save me, and it always works. my dreams always end shortly after. i'm not sure what i believe in exactly, but it's weird, like something (someone?) is always there to take the bad stuff away. when i woke up around 2 am last night i was reading a few catholic exerpts about astral projection. anyway it's really late and i haven't left my room naturally. i'm going to go on a nightwalk, smoke a few cigarettes, listen to some more teen suicide.
9th of October it's 10:00 at night. it's felt disorientating and weird today. i bought an ipod nano yesterday.
right, it's 3:00 in the morning now. i was half asleep in bed watching some videos about the disasters happening all over the world, but i came across a certain one that made me.. confused
so two nights ago, i had a horrific astral projection experience. i consider myself to be.. not "familiar".. but not new to dream stuff. it's happened to me since i was a kid- sleep paralysis, astral projection, meeting people that died before i was born, knowing certain events would happen before they did. i remember in high school, i had an entire year where i had sleep paralysis every single day.. every day, for a year. lot of stuff happened during this time but back to my original thought- the video i just watched was of a person saying there is an entire collective of people that had a weird astral projection experience all on the same night. the same night i had mine, on the 8th. i have my dream log but i don't think i can share it.. it was horrible. i woke up with the mirror pointed at my bed.. but the guy is linking it to UFOs, there have been a few recent videos of sightings from all over the world this past week.. i don't know how true any of this is obviously.. i just feel tired.. the hurricaines and tornados, the wildfires and UFOs, the crows and the bugs and the circle of shadows in the sky.. and all i can think about.. is my childhood cat... and how lucky i am that he saved me that night.. and maybe it wasn't him.. maybe it was something else.. but i am just one speck of dust on a speck of dust planet in comparison to the entire universe of universes.
anyway i know this is all a time shift. just want to play world of warcraft.
i am falling asleep as i type. also i fucked my text over and now it's all bold.. dunno how to fix it.. lets out a big wolf sigh.
here's to a warm dream, and eternity
...woke up at 5:00 am. something is really wrong with my dreams.
10th of October so yeah, i knew i was going to have a simliar dream last night. the thing about these specific dreams, is that they only last around twenty minutes long, although they feel like much longer. i struggle to word this without throwing the word satanic around. even "negative" doesn't feel like the best description, but, there have been certain presences that have brought a negative feeling when interacted with. last night i once again had the burden of trying to extinguish the darkness by pushing out light again. i knew i was asleep, i was trying to track time, to no avail. at one point i could feel Lains fur brushing against my right hand (she fell asleep on my pillow with me). I woke up and everything hurt from pushing too hard, specifically my jaw, my hands, my chest.
today.. world of warcraft, music stuff, work into fixing my hearse.. a nightwalk, it's so cold and lovely. recently i've been remembering a specific memory- i can't recall when this happened, it feels like i was much older, but it's of an autumn road, with benches facing each other in a straight line. the air feels like that memory today. i'm listening to this song.
way down.. way down..
one thing about the state i'm currently in- the music scene is really awesome. so many talented, incredible people. i feel alive at local shows, a part of something big, and important. the exhiliaration and magic happening is great. i missed a few dates recently and someone asked why i didn't show up, a reminder of my existence, a reminder that i'm actually.. here. i can't wait for time (shift) to be a part of that.
anyway i'm in my room listening to my chemical romance naturally.
first darkmoon faire of the year 11th of October sometimes good morning is 8 pm.. I took an accidental six hour nap so my sleep schedule is back in the trenches but I prefer it that way. I like being awake when the world is asleep. I'm sitting outside right now watching the moon and smoking a cigarette.
Truest love
Void on fire
You have haunted my desire
Always real, always right
Always alright
Live across
Heaven's blood
I am forgetting to be someone
Always alright
Kill me as
I become
The dull aching heart of everyone
Always real, always right
Always alright
my first concert was teen suicide, with coma cinema and alex g, in 2014. i remember sneaking into the small venue in brooklyn (babys all right) alone, i was underage and looking for something and i found it, i remember closing my eyes and feeling... well the same way i feel now. like it's all that matters. this is my favorite teen suicide song.
i don't want to go to sleep
i don't want to dream
on a table or on the floor
in a car outside at night in the snow
waking up in someone else's bed
something tells me I'm losing my head
i don't want to leave
just dye my hair and sleep
the world is ending in my dreams
every week for the last few years
when it really ends they'll fill
my body with flames
you and I will be a household name
listening to this.
The same scene, every night. It usually starts with a flood of white light.
To ponder on how ‘random’ phenomenon occur to our personal experience is to perhaps induce yourself into another framework of consciousness. There is so much to learn and realize before you make any final decisions. You must explore your very own reason, and when you find that there is none, you think not of a reason, but of why, and you think of all the why’s, and why you think why, why you must know why, why must you know, why are you here and why are you just a slave to the influences. To know, to be self aware of this, is to betray your very own knowledge. To follow or expose the influences, to know but still follow, to learn, to stay compliant. To hate to be compliant; as compliance is the very evil brought onto you by these influences.
almost 4 am.. got sucked into a rabbithole of people finding the same weird messages in the same forest. i'll post a link to the subreddit later
coffee, cigarette, forest sounds. not listening to music right now. very tired. two energy drinks in my bag, cafe shift in an hour
side note, i'm friends with rem michalski, the creator of the cat lady. well.. twitter mutuals (when i used it) that checked up on each other once in a while. he's working on a new game, called trainwatch (no comment, haunted by trains forever it seems) and i was thinking... of asking if he needed any help.. with art or composition pieces i don't know... i'm not going to start talking about the cat lady right now because i am very tired but. yeah yeah big time shift, another life, not just a game, you already know. growls. i am so tired.
14th of October
slept for 14 hours. had a shift today that made me want to die. there was a spider with a broken leg outside on the sidewalk. i used my cigarette carton to move it to a bush, so it could at least die with flowers and not get stepped on. but five minutes later a guy came with one of those leaf blowing machines. was the death inevitable or was that just unlucky? did i cause it, did my "good deed" matter at all? i see my friend in everything. i'm going to make an online shrine for him one of these days
it's windy and cold. i'm going to the cemetery once it gets dark.
i've been feeling more temporary than usual, again. like everything feels very fleeting. it's hard to get upset at anything, or care about anything. but anyway i've been looking at wolf conservatories in fairbanks, so.. maybe if it stays like this, i'll take off and do the live-in volunteer program for a while.
time for the inevitable six hour nap. listening to this, still.
11 pm.. woke up.. looking at old 2000s sites.. miss old internet so much.. tired of soulless ads and content.. i have so much cool stuff hoarded like this..
15th of October 4 pm.. I had a cool package come today, a wolf skull and a ram skull necklace. I'm going to wear the wolf everyday. I'll post a picture of it later. I'm either going to hang the ram on my bag or on my wall for now... or maybe attach it to my physical journal
so my phone is completely obliterated. it's been broken for a while now but i was hanging onto the hotspot so i could use a different device for texts. it's dead now.. i could fix it but i don't want to.. i like not being easily reached by anyone. i hate phone calls and texts are useless. i only really cared about listening to music for the most part, but my ipod is on the way so there's really no point
i do have an old flip phone i could start using, i would have to put service in it, i might do this. i think i'm going to bury my iphone. in a really dramatic way.
some recent pictures. never taking the wolf skull off.
going to clean my room and watch some nexpo.. then a nightwalk. some earl grey tea and a cigarette.
16th of October
you know i've had quite the day but all i have to say is, i don't- and i've never, understood how people work, despite all of the time i've had to learn. humanity is beautiful to me at times, but in a pathetic way.
17th of October
greetings.. 5 pm. cold outside. woke up with a really bad headache that won't go away. got sucked into a facebook community group about near death experiences so i spent an hour or so reading them. the question "is our death predetermined" came up a lot. i like to read different perspectives. i only like a facebook account for bizarre groups and for facebook marketplace stuff. i like people that have strong opinions about things, it's something i gravitate toward, i think that is because i am the opposite. it's hard for me to hold a strong opinion on most things because i always feel like my head is in the clouds, or just confused by pretty much everything in life. not confused but.. just always watching. watching humans experience things, watching the days go by, watching and dreaming, awake and asleep. even if people confuse me, i like passionate ones. i think. who knows.
maybe i will draw today. it's only been five years. :)
3:36 am.. head feels like a cloud fuzzy blue. went outside for coffee and a cigarette. stared into the forest. there are so many stars here. world feels alienlike. i like 3 am.
woke up at 8 pm. going to sleep a little more, then head to the graveyard around 1 or 2. feel like a ghost
past midnight.. made a new link for near death experiences, click below to read
