1/9/2025

a very quick update because i am very busy lately.

i've been playing lots of games. detroit become human changed me. im halfway through heavy rain. finished the new life is strange game. i'm currently halfway through the last of us (what im playing now)

bit the bullet and talked to my parents again. thought about telling my mom i've been diagnosed as autistic to give a little bit of clarity but well, i don't see a point really.

can't talk about it too much but a certain.. company has been calling to me lately. i have a connection from a few months ago that i think i'll follow through with. so i'm going to begin training soon, heavily. preparing for bootcamp. my father told me he has connections that could help. i guess we'll see what happens. the world has been so fucking crazy lately and i want to be prepared, and armed. i want to be strong and i want to do something that matters. my dad said i can't talk about my hospitalizations. i think i should be honest, since they'll find out anyway.. but for now... i have some zombies to kill ;)

have been listening to the dresden dolls, and new jersey hardcore forever.

4th of april

i haven't updated this in so long. another death happened and i'm finding myself back in new york again this weekend. a lot has changed the past few months. i'm on a completely nocturnal sleep schedule. i woke up at midnight today. it's raining.

opening up is difficult because you look back on the past and it all seems ridiculously human. it's the same with art i think, you look back on something you made years ago and you hate it, and find so many things wrong with it. and that's when i delete it, delete the past, start over, run away to a new city. like the previous posts i've had here! almost like performing for a circus that's entirely in my head.

i'll be taking a twelve hour train ride to get there tomorrow, the same one he died on.

i think i am going to be alone for the rest of my life. i remember when i was a kid, i would immerse myself in movies and books and music and long to grow up and have my own friends. my mother would tell me i would find my people when i was older. in high school i floated around different groups but never lingered- everyone knew me, but nobody knew me. i was heavily online and made different virtual friends over the years but something has always been off. it's like there's something fundemenatlly wrong with me. i can't bring myself to respond to people or to let anything out. i remember that one night when i was around nine years old, i was staying over at my fathers house and i was in my childhood bedroom. it was around 2 AM and everything around me felt murky blue, the room was dark, the air felt heavy and slow. i remember getting up from my bed in a trance almost and walking over to the wall that held a mirror, and staying at myself for a very long time, watching my pupils get giant and dilate, watching my face morph into things i couldn't understand. i remember thinking i would remember that forever and i have. i always say that nothing feels real but what IS real? what does that even entail? i don't understand how we can take anything seriously, ever. i have been "suffering" for so long that i don't even know the difference anymore between being okay and being hurt. i keep thinking on early this year, when i made a friend through music. see, the only thing that has ever felt substantial and solid to me in my entire life has been music, certain smells, my cats, and the sky. time shifts. so i made a friend earlier this year because i had a retail job at hot topic and we bonded over my chemical romance. it never went anywhere for a few months until it was my birthday earlier this year and he messaged me to hang out for the first time in person. you have to understand that my mothers agoraphobia has plagued me for all of my adolesence, it led to me being a complete shut in for over a year when i was twenty. and birthdays have never been something real to me either- time and all- not getting into that right now. but i said yes, and we met at the cemetery that i frequent. i showed him the grave i visit, a woman named virginia that died in a fire when she was twenty three. he gave me a vinyl record for a band i like and i remember it feeling like the world to me- someone thought of me, someone gave me something that i actually like- i was taken by surprise and grateful. we sat down and drank alcohol and he told me his life story, his suffering and his childhood with a big focus on his past girlfriends and how evil they were to him. i remember giving myself reminders in my head- remember this part, ask him about this part, don't let your face do anything weird, don't let anything out, don't let anything out. he spoke for a few hours while the sky went dark and i remember feeling like an alien, but feeling strangely content. when he turned to me at the end i blanked out- what do i say? how can i appear vulnerable as he did without sounding like a freakish monster? so i did a ten minute summary which entailed of the usual- no i'm not from this state, yeah i ran away, yeah my best friend died, yeah my family also really hurt me. and i remember watching his reaction, the nods and "yeahs" a human makes to show they are listening but.. not. it felt superficial to share my suffering. i want so badly to be understood and to be known but i think i'm all wrong inside. anyway0 the story of him, we quickly became "close" after that evening. he invited me to his online friend group to play videogames and i invited him to my room to sleep in my bed for a few weeks, we had horror movie night marathons and listened to music and went on walks to the cemetery. i quickly noticed how much he had to say about himself and how little he cared for anything more. he would talk on and on about his life and his past lovers and i felt like a bystander in my own shoes.but still i enjoyed not being alone so much that i kept hanging out with him- i felt real, is what i'm trying to say, even only briefly. on one occasion, he invited me to a show with his ex girlfriend because he "didn't want to be alone with her". I said i didn't want to be a third wheel or anything and that I probably couldn't afford it at the time anyway, but he insisted, paid my ticket, said I would be doing him a favor.. so I went, for the sake of the music, for the sake of being invited to something. In the car with his ex girlfriend he would treat her horribly, grab her phone while she was driving, put on only his music, she would request a song and he wouldn't listen despite her driving and paying for everything, he would sulk and he even hit her "playfully" in the car. I pulled her aside and asked if she was okay and she smiled and said it was normal when he was drunk. When the actual show was beginning I remember him ordering two drinks for himself and telling her to hold them when the band got on because he wanted free hands. I remember looking at him like he was crazy- why should she hold his drinks? I remember him telling me to tell him when I was going into the pit so I could drag him with me and make him mosh. I remember feeling weird about that but teling him when I was going- he wanted me to pull him in with me but I didn't care for that. I stage dived that night and felt the music drown out everything else. It was a chiodos show, if that matters. Afterward we got taco bell and she offered him some fries- he insisted on drinking only and said he didn't want to order anything- and then ate all of hers. I remember thinking "are people like this? is this what it's like to have friends?".. anyway after that night i stopped taking that friendship seriously. no, that's not true. there was a night when i thought my cat got out, she was missing and i was freaking out and crying. i hadn't cried in so long before that. i remember frantically telling the group that i had to look for my cat and he said he was putting his shoes on and coming over to help me, despite having work the next day early, despite it being 3 AM. and right then and there, i felt seen, like someone in the universe did care. my cat was found, she was hiding.

anyway we aren't friends anymore. i stopped taking things seriously and started joking around about everything, which angered him. his suffering felt so small to me, felt so ridiculous and absurd- he was crying about matching profile pictures while the world was burning up. and i get that comparing suffering isn't a great thing to do, trust me. i get that everyone reacts differently to situations. but he kept... oddly enough, trying to skinwalk me. the little bit that i did tell him suddenly became his story as well. i explained to him for instance about my lack of friends. he kept doing the thing people do "same, i'm exactly the same, me too", meanwhile he has tons of friends. my music taste became his- all we had in common before was my chemical romance, but now every song has been saved by him as well. i don't know. i know that's really silly. you see i love sharing things and i love being a part of someones discovery into who they are. but he just.. removed me from it while taking my "identity", whatever that means. do i have an identity? the things i love feel like they are a part of me and matter greatly. is that arrogant? this story continues a bit longer but as i said, i stopped taking things seriously and kept joking around in videogames and his patience with me wore thin. we don't talk anymore, and he has a girlfriend now, i think. sometimes i still check his spotify to see what he's listening to. i guess that's a naturally creepy thing that people do but i feel myself curious on the person i could've had a friend in, what he's doing now, if i was ever a real and present being. i guess what i'm trying to say is that it all felt like a dream, not in a necessarily good or bad way, but a distant one. and i think i miss that, but it's more like something i'm unsure if i'll ever get again.

i haven't been able to create anything since.

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