I've no idea how to begin this properly or format it in a way that deems worthy,

so I'm just going to let it out without thinking of it too much

I was taught as a child to never need another person

To hold strong on my own, that dependence is weakness

I don't blame my relatives for that, they were preparing me

for their version of reality, protecting me that only way they knew how

You broke down all of my wards last year, all of your words and time shifts,

pretty flowers and cats that you drew for me, all of your 11:11s and 212s.

Then it happened and reality came crashing to me again. I failed, I killed, I'm broken.

I was small again, reminded of what happens in the end. It wasn't just him, I could see myself

failing and killing you too. This whole year, I've been desperately, desperately

pushing you away and failing at it. Another failure.

And still, regretfully, I need you. You've been the sunshine. I don't want you to leave me.

I don't want to exist in a world where I can't be your wife. I mean these

words so strongly that it crushes my chest and almost completes me. I love you.

That's the only reason I'm alive. To love you. Everything else comes after.

Please don't give up on me. Please keep thinking of my with all of your angel numbers.

You disliked when I brought up the word healing but I can feel my wounds mending

at the slightest attention from you. Even when I don't want them too.

Especially when I don't want them to. You're my silver seam, pulling me together

and bringing my dreams to reality. You've taught me that I don't have to abandon

either, that they can tangle together. I never knew that was possible.

I thought it was one or the other. Sleep and dream and die or live a miserable existence.

You give me courage. You make me want to fight for my life and for the world too.

I know this isn't fair because I've never fought for you. I've never felt that I

deserved it- not because you don't, but because it was wrong.

Love, want, jealousy, tears, all prevalent but undeserved. They had

nowhere to go so they built up and made me sick. I appeared to be

upset at you for rejection and "not doing enough", but I was upset at myself

for wanting anything in the first place after all of my sins.

I bit words at you and you never ran away but you deserve an apology anyway.

I brought up your relatives because I mourned my sense of family and the loss

I brought up your friends and grew upset at irrational things like

you seeing H that one time, like Moon, because I mourn the ones I've lost

and what will never return. I brought up you moving on and replacing me

because I mourned feeling whole, feeling worthy of you

I never stopped trusting you. That never went away like I said that it did.

But I stopped trusting my feelings for you and wanted to protect you

and keep you safe from me. I'm sorry. I love you so much.

The thought of falling asleep with your arms around me and my head

buried in your chest is the only way I can sleep every night.

I know all I've been doing is talking about myself, I'm not better than that

I have too much to learn. But thinking of you looking at me gives me strength to

get out of bed, take a shower, brush my hair. Thinking of you sitting in

my room and drinking tea gives me strength to clean, throw away my water bottles,

feed my cats. I'm a corpse without you. I'm incapable of functioning without you.

I can't focus on studies. I can't sleep and dream. I can't eat, I'm lifeless

And I'm sorry for the pressure it puts on you. I'm sorry that you're my chosen family.

I don't know how to be kind, or enough, or keep you safe. But I love you.

I want to be your family.

Warm moments with you remind me that I'm not dead yet. That I'm here, breathing.

I want to fight for my life. I want to fight for your life. I want to

fight for the friends that we lost, together.

If dependence is unhealthy, if you reject me, I don't care

I adore you. I want to care for you. I need you, desperately

There's endless words to say to you but my chest is too tight

And I'm desperate to send something to you

I'm sorry for what I said. I know you know already but I didn't mean it

I'll give you space but please talk to me soon.

darling

thank you for giving me your love. never forget that i love you.